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tragic_kitten

[ website | My beloved pictures!!! ]
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borededed [Jul. 14th, 2005|08:10 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |bitchybitchy]
[What's making me feel good today: |give me novacaine by grren day]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THE SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T STAND BEING INSIDE ALL THE TIME!!!! I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS AND GO NUTS AND PLAY OUTSIDE AND DO SOMETHING PHYSICAL!!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR, I'M GOIN'G OUT OT MY MIND HERE!!!!!

-weeps-
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Ummm... [Jul. 12th, 2005|12:17 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |contentcontent]
[What's making me feel good today: |The first day of my life by Bright Eyes]

Ever just have that warm feeling that everything will be alright, eventually? Yeah, I think I'm starting to get that too... It's luke-warm right now, but that's better than nothing.
I love those who make me feel loved so much!
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Life sometimes sux [Jul. 9th, 2005|03:55 am]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |depresseddepressed]
[What's making me feel good today: |The best of you by the Foo Fighters]

I wouldn't say i'm in love with someone, I just strongly favor them over other nouns. And when we talk, i get uneasy and my stomach turns, and it's pathetic. I'd give anything to watch him be happy, but I don't get to see him as much as I'd like. And he dislikes me now, since two of my fucking retarded friends had to go fuck with him. It's not fair, I don't think.
But then again, what do I know...

I had nothing to post, I'm just fucking bored.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2005|05:52 am]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |crazycrazy]
[What's making me feel good today: |Wish you were here by Pink Floyd]

The Fourth of July was everything I had hoped! My dad showed up, we spent like an hour setting off illegal fireworks in my backyard, since the park was taken already. And I got to set off a Roman Candle for the first time. It feels weird when it goes off, and I was terrified it'd blow up and my hand would die or something, and then the sparks and stuff came flying at me, I kind of freaked. Anyone who knows the sparkler story gets why....yes, I am deathly afraid of.......sparklers... I usually don't get into that, but every year I have someone coming over with their left-over flammables and sparklers are ALWAYS there. Please...stop...>_O...

Before nightfall was what I thought it would be. Boring. Relatives came over, and all that happened was my Uncle making booger jokes all day, my Aunst Sissy cursing, and my grandma getting mad at everyone for everything. I did, however, talk to our neightbors for the first time since they moved in, and they're actually really cool guys. Then one played the Jimi Hendrix "Star Spangled Banner" really loud from his house, and marcy and I cheered and stuff and he laughed and played it again.
Their dog is so adorable.

My dad's fireworks were better than expected, except the bottle rockets, so I guess it evened out. And Marcy's friend Chris came over with even more flammables and it was great.

Sometime soon we're going to the Lehigh River to set more stuff off, becuase I told him to keep some and buy some more. I can hardly wait.
Used a whole disposable camera tonight alone. Will post pics when I get the cash to develope them.

Yesterday was gay. The only funny thing that happened involved my cousin Lizzy (Elizabeth). Her birthday is coming up, and since she's only like, 5 or 6, she hasn't ever actually opened her b-day presents becuase her mom apparently thinks she's stupid and can't figure out this complex process. For the few friends who have met her, you know she's an extremely intelligent girl for her age, and if her mother home schools her like she wants, all of her intelligence will be lost. Cross your fingers my uncle can get her into AT LEAST public school. He's trying for a special school for the gifted.
Anyway, last week she was told she is going to open her presents this year, and, in a glowing, beautiful display of her intelligence, she asked yesterday for her parents to buy her "practice presants." Little gifts all wrapped up, so she can master the art of unwrapping so it looks good at her b-day party.
I just....I just love that girl so much.
How come I never thought of that when I was her age??
LoL.

Her brother's smart too. If I have nothing to say tomorrow, I'm gonna write about him.

AND to all of the people making fun of me due to the sparklers, before you think I'm an insane spaz, I HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR BEING PARANOID!! And I have to say why, or people will keep making fun of me.... When I was Lizzy's age, on the 4th of July, my dad got packs and packs of sparklers. My sister and i coudln't get enough of them, we just loved them. We were playing with them in the back yard, one in each hand, and my sister was spinning around, and I can't remember exactly what all happened, but i will never forget when one of her sparklers smacked me right on the nose. And since it's fire, it like stuck to my nose and if it ha been there just alittle longer, It would've went right through. That summer was the first summer I spent most of my time indoors, and I hated it, and my parents put like 100 pounds of ointments on it so it wouldn't scar, and it didn't, but now sparklers scare the hell out of me.
SO STOP MAKIN' FUN OF ME!!!!

THE END!!
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(no subject) [Jun. 30th, 2005|09:03 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |nostalgicQuiet]
[What's making me feel good today: |Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse]

Lifehouse
Sick Cycle Carousel

If shame had a face
I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes?
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?
Well here we go, now, one more time...

'Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low
I could get down to the ground
And I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I have
Tried to be this

When will this end?
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keeps spinning around
I know that it won't stop
'Til I stand down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong, now, one more time...

'Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low
I could get down to the ground
And I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I have
Tried to be this

When will this end?
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keeps spinning around
I know that it won't stop
'Til I stand down from this sick cycle carousel

This is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah

When will this end?
It goes on and on
Over and over and then over again
Keeps spinning around
I know that it won't stop
'Til I stand down from this for good


This is such a gorgeous song. I heard it for the first time today, and I very nearly almost almost cried. I couldn't even move. It was on a friend's xanga (http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=M3gatr0nic). Ever experience something so beautiful?
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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2005|11:04 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |bitchybitchy]
[What's making me feel good today: |Set it off by AudioSlave]

i think I almost killed my grandmother an hour ago. Not like....literally, but still. I was sitting downstairs eating this disgusting fucking burger-like thing my grandmother made, becasue it's mandatory to eat when my grandmom cooks it (she can't cook worth shit, really.....lol) and we saw that shoe commercial where the guy is running and everywhere he goes, everything breaks and deflates and shit. Yea, during the commercial is a chick on a pogo stick and she falls all over and dies or something and it's fucking funny. She we watch her take a fall and my grandmother goes "Oh, Erika, what ever happened to your pogo stick?" Right there I got tense. She can't remember she own daughters' birthdays, but she can remember about a pogo stick I haven't even had downstairs in a year or so. "Well, it's in my room. Like it's been. Since you yelled at me to bring it upstairs. Last year." said I.
"Why don't you take it outside to use it? No one's stopping you from going outside." replied she.
I almost screamed. Had I screamed like i wanted to, i would be in the hospital because my throat would still be bleeding. I, as calmly as I could, explained that her and mother won't let me go across the street to play with my friends because they seem to think I'm gonna get shot and mugged as soon as I step off of my porch. "You don't have to be a little bitch about it." ....is what she might as well have said. If looks could kill, we would've murdered eachother. I know it. Except she would've combusted, whereas my brain would've just imploded. Then I went on about the bikes. $300 to fix them, we really should be allowed to ride them. I mean honestly! But no, to dangerous....
THE WORLD IS DANGEROUS!!! GET OVER IT YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!!!! IT HAPPENS! HOW CAN I BE READY FOR IT WHEN I NEED TO BE, WHEN I CAN'T EXPERIENCE ANY OF IT NOW, WHEN IT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO LEARN THE THINGS I'LL NEED TO SURVIVE IN THE REAL WORLD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!1!!!

Grrrrr....Oh no. This will not end here...

-erika-
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FuckshitassholesIhatethishorsepuckie [Jun. 28th, 2005|01:40 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |confusedconfused]
[What's making me feel good today: |Jesus od Suburbia by Green Day]

Monday sucked. I couldn't even will myself out of bed until 3pm. I spent the whole day trying to get people to come over to my house, and no one did. I got pissed off, trashed my room (that I had just cleaned) and tried so hard to get yelled at today without making it look like I wanted too. That's the only time anything's has feeling around here, when someone's angry. Screaming and bitching are the only things my mom can do with any sort of passion, at least around me. I want that. That feeling of something real hanging heavy in the air. To feel that spark of life again. Something, anything raw and real. Or maybe I'm being stupid...

When I wasn't trying to get yelled at, I was memorizing quotes and lyrics and writing stories. I made 3 mix-cds for no reason. Then decided they sucked and glued them too my wall.

Then I got pissed off because I can't re-clean my room because we have no garbage bags. Who has no garbage bags? They're just standard....right?? We're all insane...

My stories are coming along great. 3 at once. Tragedy is always good writers fuel somehow. I read that all writers are like that, at somepoint. Most never leave that point. I got pyschoanalyzed and was told I'm a lot like Hunter S. Thompson. I've spent tonight reading things about him. Interesting man. Before him I was compared to Hemmingway by my English teacher a few years ago. Both killed themselves. Ooooh how comfortable I feel now....

Ok, kids. That's enough of me.

-il faut d'abord durer-
-(First, one must last)-
-Hemmingway-

-hugz-
-erika-

Ps.
I have a new favorite word:

Existentialism.

A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.


....brilliant....
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Update [Jun. 27th, 2005|06:43 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |discontentdiscontent]
[What's making me feel good today: |Wake me up when September Ends by Green Day]

This post is going to be MAD FUCKING LONG because I couldn't get to LJ for a few days, and I have a lot to say.

First: How was Saturday? I went to my dad's house. We saw Be Cool and Hitch. Both funny. I felt the whole time like I was going to throw up because of Friday's news. To be honest, I think I handled myself well.
I got home around midnight, after getting the first bit of sleep in more than 48 hours. Only an hour and a half. And yet right now I'm awake and aware. I can't help but think I lost a large span of time somewhere, or gained somemore. I'm not too sure.

I was on Aim at around 1:46 am. I got word at 3:08 am.
His name was..is Eric. Nickname was Raven. His mother says I can post no more of that kind of info about him, because she doesn't want time to repeat itself. I can never explain that in a way you'll understand, but trust me, it's for the best. And beside, I respect no one like I respect his mother, Amanda. Her whole family has been there for me.
His accident was on Thursday. I heard about it Friday. A van hit him while he was on his motorcycle. He was in critical condition up until sometime before 1 am. He slipped away during a morphine dream. I didn't even get to see him, he lives on the opposite coast. His older brother, Alex, will be reading a eulogy (sp?) I will write. I was more than honored to be asked to do this.
He was only 19.
It's not fair.

This has shown me things:(1) Don't waste you life. (2) Take everything of you and use to too make a statement, for you won't recognize your final day until it's too late. (3) Everything has purpose, and nothing is trivial.
He was beautiful. Unique. I may have been in love with him.

Everything was so fuzzy when my parents split. Nothing mattered, least of all school. Then I met him. He showed me beauty, but I never really fully grasped it. I may never now. I took everything for granted, and if not for him, I probably would've flunked a grade or two by now. I even took my friends for granted, and for this I am so very sorry. I do love my friends, but I never trusted anyone, and I didn't realize until tonight how much I love them all.
If I have EVER been weird or alienating or mean to someone who I am lucky to have calling themself my friend, I am so profoundly sorry. I can't stress that enough.

I'll be numb for awhile. I feel like shit, but I quickly scabbed up my wounds. I'm not telling my parents. In his words, it would cheapen the spirituality of realization, to allow outside beings to dominate a singular moment.
The last thing he'd want is for his friends to be swamped in motherly sorries as the days go by.
And besides, what would making them worry about me change? It would make me more alienated is all....

The last R.I.P. I dealt with was for David, my first guy-friend who died of cancer when I was in 2nd grade. I didn't find out until this year he was dead, or should I say i didn't accept it. I hope they meet eachother and hangout. They would've gotten along great. I know it.

I love them both.

Everything feels worse now, fake, stale. I'm living in Barbie's Hell House; Plastic and motionless.

Recognizing mortality is something I'm not mature enough for. When I was told, I didn't believe it. When it sunk it, it shook me down to my knees. I'm still shaking...

Sorrow. Sorrow like rain.

Sunda.... was... weird.
I didn't tell my mom, but I couldn't fool my dad. My dad handled me like he should have: a quick sorry, then act normal. He's great. The best dad ever. He was a little more blunt with me today. We talked about everything that had nothing to do with death, until we got on the subject of cigarettes. Don't ask me how we got there, I do not know. He said if he finds out I took a few drags from someone else, he won't care. But if he finds a pack on me, I'm doomed. That's special right there, to be so understanding like that. It was a surprise. It may sound trivial to some, but you had to have been there.

I'm glad my mom knows not of this. When she told me about David earlier in the school year, my being upset that I didn't know about it was, to her, reason enough to tell the guidence office about it and have them talk me out of running away and killing myself. I felt so alone in that office being drilled about that sort of stuff.
For anyone who is planning to spawn, belive me you, this is the extremely WRONG way to handle this sort of situation. Then 3 months of close observation and extreme tabs, followed by hours daily of empty compliments is like puking on the garbage heap.
No offence to David, but I didn't even cry. Yes, I felt horrible that I didn't no, and I wasn't allowed to say good bye back then, and I wanted to kill his mom for not inviting any of his friends to the funeral, but since it was so long ago, and I was so young when it happened, it didn't have the same affect, if that makes sense.
As it is, every other second she compliments me. Don't get me wrong, it's good to compliment people, but if your child asks you to stop staring at her for the fourth time, and thanks you for the same comment on their hair (that looks no different than other days) for the 17th time, you should really stop. She tries waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too hard to close the generation gap. I swear, the first time she said, "Yo, hurry it up. We're gonna be mad late." I laughed so hard I felt guilty. And if I hear her get the lyrics to one of my favorite songs wrong again because she obviously hates the band and the song, but it trying to save face, I will smash her radio. Listening her go "Ashoo, Ashoo, Ashoo shoo shy. Ashoo Ashoo a shy." during Noodle's solo in the Song "19/2000" by the Gorillaz while shaking in what looks like a seizure doing gang symbols with one hand, driving the car with the other, eyes closed and head flailing about in the air while my friends are in the backseat laughing into eachother's arms so she can't hear is just a little much for me.

Yes, I know I'm babbling. I'm trying not to think of Eric. His brother says the Eulogy I wrote made him cry. I did my work well.

I took a walk this morning at like 2:30 am. To a few houses. Friends of his and mine. We went to the first park we could find and had a little bon fire while listening to Green Day (his favorite band) until the police came. I never ran so fast before. That was the East Coast vigil, I guess. Go us. His Scranton friends weren't invited though. His Scranton friends didn't like him hanging out with younger kids, so they ignored us. He went to such a prep school before he moved...
But, I feel a lot better tonight. I was alive earlier. I had never been so scared in my whole life as when I heard those sirens. And the constant sick feeling that I might get caught by someone. My heart was thumping so hard I could taste it. I got kissed.
Went to some college kid we met tonight's place (we all had some sort of weapon, don't worry...) and watched one of my favorite movies, Dream with the Fishes. Everybody who was at the bon fire was crying. You have to see it, if you haven't. Go out and rent it. Now. Like, right now!! DAMMIT!!
I can smile now, which is good. I'm vaguely normal, in a weak sort of way. I'll just be my usual self, and all the shit will go away. Things will be great. I can feel it. It has to be. Right?

-sigh- Sentimentalism will be my end.

-hugz-
-erika-
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>_O [Jun. 24th, 2005|01:41 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |sillysilly]
[What's making me feel good today: |Brain Damage by Pink Floyd]

Right, so about 2 weeks ago, I met a very intereting person online. His name was Fred. He told me that he is an all seeing all knowing being from a planet far away. He said he was sent here to bring about the bringing of the revolution of the earth to exspell all humans so Mother earth can fix herself and become whole once again. He said this will happen through a series of missing persons in parks, which will turn out to be committed by the trees who have specific targets. Once the world sees the threat of the trees, rocks will join them and do random beatings-to-death, on specific Targets. And we humans will run and hide on Mars, which is on Earth's side, so we will be running to our dooms on the Red Planet. He said his blood was green and his eyes are blue, but filled with Earth so he could see like Mother Earth. He talked to me, because a name I had on another website was "FlowerChild" (my way of making fun of yet endorsing hippies), and he said that was the perfect name for the type of people he was looking for. "Looking for?" I asked. "Why would you be looking for people?" Because Mother Earth will need help, and in the time of reckoning, the planet's water and fire will engulf specific people and seemingly kill them, but actually protect them and allow them passage into the new Eden as long as they do their fair share of work.

How did I respond to this.

Bam Diggidy. Bam Diggidy, I though. Kudos! Kudos to him for making such an elaborate delusion to sheild himself from the fact that Mother Earth is going to die anyway. Did I tell him he was nuts. I tried, but you had to have talked to him. He wanted so badly to be believed. So, apparently I will be protected by fire for 24 das and 25 nights as the Earthlings run away........damn my female empathy. If I was a boy I could've told him off. Oh well, someday the alzeimers (yea, I know I spelled that wrong. Shut up.) will kick in and I'll delute myself into beliveing all of that crap. it's kind of cool though, to believe in something so dearly. I wish I had a paranoid delusion that had no chance of coming true. Then I could be kind f scary and guilt trip people into being my friend.

Anyway, he talked to me again afew hours ago. He said he got word from his commander that the trees will be eating people shortly. I had to pick 25 people to be safe.
"Why 25?" I felt compelled to ask.
"I've only got 287 recruits, and we need lots of help."
Woah. Pause. 287? You have got to wonder how many of them believe him. I mean, did I unwittingly join a cult? How easily are these people being brainwashed over the damn internet. That drove me a little nuts. Thank god he has no idea where I live...
Anyway, since I already blocked him once before, I now know he has several screen names. Gee, how comforting.
My 25 was everybody on my xanga subscribe list. I didn't give him the xanga thing, I just used nicknames. He said the elements would know who I was talking about. And after that I named school friends, Zach, Aj, Kate, James, Josh F., Angel, ect. Overall I named like 40, and he said that was cool. So now Marcy and Ben and Vaughn and Honor and Brett and all my school friends and a few people I havn't seen in a few years are going to be eaten by fire for a month or so sometime before they're dead. (Not really, but how cool would that be??)
Horray for crazy people.
I just felt like sharing that.

THE END!!

-erika-
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(no subject) [Jun. 23rd, 2005|08:18 pm]
tragic_kitten
[My emo today is: |ditzyditzy]
[What's making me feel good today: |Forsaken by David Draiman]

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...breath taking
Your hugs are...warm
Your eyes...burn into my heart
Your touch is...the only thing I desire
Your smell is...exotic
Your smile is...amazing
Your love is...everlasting
Quiz created with MemeGen!



Hot. That's all I have to say.
-erika-
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